


Balance

by dannihowell (iguessicantry)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: F/F, Gender or Sex Swap, Infertility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-16 22:45:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7287685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iguessicantry/pseuds/dannihowell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil wants a baby of her own and hires a surrogate. She gets more than she bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Balance

Her results are back. Her phone is smashed—from being thrown against the wall. Her strands of black hair have somehow made it out of their bun, the one she made this morning with good intentions of good news. Her mascara doesn’t run even though she’s crying. She doesn’t know what she did to deserve this. Maybe her father was right and a baby needed a father. Maybe her mother was right; she should probably get married first. Everything is out of balance.

Phillis is barren, lifeless—unable to conceive. Even so, she sits there on her hardwood floor, clutching her stomach, as if begging her womb to fill, to grow with a life she could nurture and love.

And when she’s done crying, she’ll see that her house is far too big and far too empty to be hers alone. She’ll feel the vacantness in her chest and wish for warm arms to pull her into a hug and sweet voice telling her that everything’s going to be okay.

—

The agency resembles a shop somehow, Danielle notes again. She shrugs because they are selling something… her. It’s her choice and she can back out anytime really but this seems like a brilliant option for her at the amount. Quickly checking in, Dan is directed to sit in the waiting area where the magazines are surprisingly up to date. Dan laughs quietly then stifles herself. A woman across the room looks up at her with a quick glance. Her brow line rises. Dan promptly does the same but with a shy smile. The other woman turns away.

A few moments later, Dan is called into an office where the specialist goes through the whole situation again. He says, “You must understand that you will not be the mother biologically or legally. Both the egg and sperm will be donor specimens. When you sign your contract, you waive all parental rights.”

Dan nods and says, “Yeah. I know. I don’t want kids.”

The other woman from before comes in next and offers her hand to Dan. “Hello, I’m Phil.”

Phil is clearly a woman of means. Dan could hear the click-clack of her heels on the stone flooring. Dan can hear the high breeding and high class in Phil’s voice. She’s intimidated by her eyes, her posture, and her clothes and just about everything that this woman does. It’s only been thirty seconds.

“I’m Danielle. But, call me Dan.”

“It’s lovely to make your acquaintance, Dan.” Phil sits down and smiles. “Shall we begin?”

—-

Phil didn’t want to cry. Really, she didn’t. But who knew her mother would react this way.

“You’ve just given up haven’t you?” the woman had said. “Why can’t you just find a man and get married? You’re so beautiful. A baby will come.”

“First, my ovaries are nonfunctioning. I will never have a child,” Phil says wetly. “Second, we’ve been over this. I’m a lesbian. I will never marry a man. So either way, this is the best option.”

“Celia, leave her alone,” Phil’s father chimes in. “She wants a baby. She’ll get one her way. It’ll still be our grandchild. I know it’s not what we wanted but who cares?”

“Thanks, Daddy,” Phil says coldly, picking up her coat and handbag.

“Don’t be like that,” he calls after his only daughter. “We just want what’s best for you.”

Phil nods but turns away to walk out the door anyway. She doesn’t want them to know how very weak she feels a woman or human. 

—

“I can’t believe you’re pregnant.”

Dan rolls her eyes but giggles. “Why?”

“Well, I didn’t expect my lesbian cousin to suddenly end up pregnant,” Caroline tells her honestly. “Who’s the father?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“He was a donor. All Phil told me was that—“

“Who the fuck is Phil?”

“The mother.”

Caroline puts her hand up and takes a deep breath. “Start at the beginning.”

“Okay. You know that project I wanted to start? Travelling and all that? Well, it’s going to cost a lot of money. I heard about being a surrogate and it pays well.”

“You’re letting someone _rent_ your uterus for nine months?”

“I guess you can think of it that way,” Dan winces. “She gets a baby and I get my freedom. It’s a win-win.”

“But won’t you like… get attached or something. Women start loving their babies from the moment they know they exist, yeah?”

“It’s not mine at all,” Dan says simply, sipping on her juice. “Not my egg.” She doesn’t have to get attached. She won’t.

“I’ll never understand why you decided to do this.”

“Won’t matter in 5 months anyway.”

—-

One day, after work, Phil walks into an elite department store’s baby section. 

“Ma’am, can I help you this evening?” the teller asks politely.

“Yes,” Phil responds happily. “I’m preparing a nursery.”

“This is the perfect place to be,” the saleswoman laughs. “Boy or girl?”

“Girl.” Phil still has the sonogram that proves it in her wallet.

“Oh, a little princess. Are you looking for furniture or décor?”

“Everything. I want everything she could possibly need.”

—-

Everything she owns is ruined. Dan stands in front of the fire engine that was called to the scene as her flat burned. Now that it’s all over, there’s nothing to salvage. If it wasn’t eaten by the flames, it was doused with water.

A man in uniform approaches her. “Ma’am, do you have a place to go?” She can see the pity in his eyes. Here stands a woman, five months pregnant at least and her home has just been destroyed.

Dan thinks for a moment. “I might.”

He nods and leaves her alone. Dan knows this number is only for emergencies concerning the baby but at the moment the baby has nowhere to sleep.

“Dan? Are you alright?” Phil asks frantically.

“I am fine, Phil. I do have a problem though.”

“What is it?”

“My flat just burned down and I have nowhere to live at the moment.”

There’s no hesitation. “I’m on my way. Text me your address.”

—-

“Jesus…” Dan murmurs in amazement. “This is your house?”

“Yes. Do you like it?” Phil asks genuinely.

“Jesus…” Dan murmurs again.

“I didn’t you peg you for religious.”

Dan laughs. “I just didn’t expect… this…”

Her home stands alone with its own garden and long driveway. It is brick and mortar, recently built and large.

“What do you do?”

“I’m a consultant for an engineering firm.”

“Oh.”

Phil smiles at Dan reaction and feels no offense. Most people lose interest when she talks about her job. Dan just looks overwhelmed. As they head inside, Phil shows Dan the guest suite and the rest of the house. When Phil has to take a call, Dan is left to wander around. On the second floor, Dan finds a door left slightly ajar. What she sees almost brings her to tears.

The room is painted a soft purple, almost lavender but not quite. The walls are covered in drawings of trees, flowers and other bits of nature. Dan walks in and feels the soft rug beneath her feet. All the furniture is white, accented with pinks, greens, and blues. The crib has a bear which Dan picks up. It’s soft, comforting. Dan never had anything like this. Never.

With two windows, the room is light and airy even at dusk.

“You found the nursery,” Phil says, startling Dan.

“Um, yeah. It’s beautiful. She’s a lucky little baby.” Dan rubs her stomach mindlessly. She does it all the time now but swears it’s just instinct and nothing else. Phil watches her longingly from the threshold of the nursery.

“I want her to have the best and that’s just what she’ll get,” Phil explains softly.

Dan clears her throat and looks up with a smile. “Have you thought of a name yet?”

Phil’s own features form a smile of their own. “I was thinking, in honor of the two of us, I would give her a name that sounds masculine when shortened like Harriet or Theodora so she would be Harry or Theo.”

“Don’t do that to her,” Dan shakes her head, rubbing her stomach absentmindedly.

“What would you name her?”

“What?” Dan nearly choked.

“What would you name her if she was yours?”

“Uh… I guess I always liked nature names like Lily or Rose.”

“Lily Lester sounds cute.”

“What about a middle name?” Dan inquires, feeling the mood lift gradually.

“Maybe I should name her after her father, Donor 504.”

Dan snorts then quickly covers her mouth out of embarrassment. Her head falls forward as she keeps laughing at Phil’s joke. Phil can’t help but join in. It has been a long time since she laughed, well and truly laughed, and felt secure that the feeling would last.

As their laughter falters, the sun sets behind them because the nursery faced west. The rays of sunlight catch Dan’s fly away hair beautifully and Phil stares at the woman, just for a moment. She had recognized that Dan was beautiful when they first met but it was the way that most people probably see Dan. Her face was pretty, eyes feminine and beguiling, lips pink and full, skin clear and supple. She had a type of generic beauty that you’d find in magazines and adverts.

Right now, however, Dan is stunning. Phil snaps out of her daze when Dan says her name worriedly. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Phil laughs anxiously. “I’m okay. Listen, we should eat soon. Take away good?”

“Chinese, please!” Dan immediately agreed. “I have the most intense cravings for it.”

Phil begins to breathe easily once more as Dan relents about the joys of pregnancy cravings.

—-

When Dan is seven months along, she wakes up in pain. Clutching her abdomen, she manages to leave the guest bedroom to find Phil. Dan makes it down the hallway before another contraction hits.

“Phil! Help! Something’s wrong with the baby.”

In almost an instant, Phil’s door swings open and she’s by Dan’s side, using her mobile to call 999.

—–

Dan is put on bed rest. The doctors were able to stop her pre-term labor so that the baby could develop safely in the womb. As a result, Dan pretty much isn’t allowed to move except to use the bathroom. Phil willingly applies for maternity leave to care for her.

One evening, when they’re eating dinner together in Dan’s room, Dan feels Lily’s kick.

“I think she’s running out of space in there,” Dan jokes.

Phil raises her brow in interest.

“She’s kicking. Do you want to…?”

Phil slowly nods as Dan raises her t-shirt to expose her swollen belly. Dan takes Phil’s hand and presses it just below her navel. In seconds, the baby kicks again.

“That’s bloody amazing,” Phil says in awe. It sounds funny coming from Phil, Dan quickly realizes but doesn’t point out.

“That’s easy for you to say. She’s not using your bladder as a football.” Dan says, jovially. Phil’s smile falters.

“I’ll never know what that feels like, you know?“ Phil murmurs, sobering the moment. "Being pregnant and sharing that time with my children… I wish it was me.”

Dan never asked Phil was she was using a surrogate. They just never had that kind of relationship. Phil seemed closed, especially when it came to her personal motives. Dan just figured she didn’t want to wait for the right man to come along. But, still, she could have carried the child herself in that instance.

“Phil, you don’t have to answer me but why are you using a surrogate?”

Phil wipes her eyes before she looks at Dan finally. “A few things. My eggs aren’t released. It would be next to impossible for them to be fertilized in a healthy, normal pregnancy.”

“Oh.” Dan pulls down her shirt once more.

“What did you think?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you didn’t want the stress of pregnancy or something. I hadn’t really thought about it.”

“Why are you a surrogate, Dan?” Phil asks wetly.

“Truth is, I needed the money. I knew I could help someone get the baby they always wanted and I could start something of my own.”

“Really? What were you going to do?”

“Travel mostly. And take pictures and paint. That kind of freedom takes money,” Dan shrugs. "I just want to run away… you know?”

“I did some traveling during my gap year. It was nice,” Phil shrugged.

“With my parents gone and the rest of my family being mental, there was no money for me to do as I pleased. So, I figured, I’d find a way.”

“What did your boyfriend say when you told him?” Phil asks. Someone as gorgeous as Dan definitely has a boyfriend or at least an admirer.

“No boyfriend. Not really my style,” Dan smiles cautiously.

“Girlfriend?” Phil asks innocently.

“My ex is long gone,” Dan sighs. “She’d probably burst out laughing if she saw me now. She never believed me when I said I didn’t like guys. It was almost like I had to keep proving my loyalty to the lesbian cause or something.”

“That’s rubbish.” Phil says, knowing just how that must have felt. 

“Yeah. Do you have anyone I should meet? Anyone I should ask about their intentions with you?”

Phil giggled at that. “Me? No. I’m always at work or working from home. I never have time.”

“Lucky that you have time for me then, huh?”

“I’ll always make time for you and Lily–,” Phil stops herself before she goes on. “I mean while you’re here.”

“I get it.” Dan comforts her by the tone she uses. She gets it.

—–

“I’m terrified,” Dan says, walking into the kitchen, where Phil is hovering over documents and talking on the phone.

“I’ll call you back,” Phil says into the receiver before hanging up and shifting her attention to Dan. “Why? Is something wrong? Should we go to the hospital?”

“No, I mean I’m terrified to go through labor,” Dan almost whines. Her hair is loose and the curls are obstructing Phil’s view of her face.

“Sit down, please for the love of all things. We don’t want to trigger labor, do we?”

Dan shakes her head and continues pacing. “I can’t do this. What was I thinking? I can’t have a baby. I can’t even rip off a plaster much less push a whole human being through my—oh my God! She’s not going to fit. There’s no way she’s going to fit.”

“Danielle, come and sit with me.” Phil said calmly, taking the other woman by the arm and leading her to the sofa.

“You’ll be there with me, right? The whole time?” Dan asks pleadingly, like a five-year-old.

“Of course, I will. I promise. Nothing can keep me from being there with you.”

“Can I hold her? I know she won’t be mine but can I hold her just once?”

“Yes, yes…” Phil sighs, kissing Dan’s hair and comforting her the best she can. “Take deep breaths. It will be okay.”

—

Phil really doesn’t want Dan to get her own flat as she keeps insisting.

“You can live here for as long as you need to.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“This is your house, Phil. I have to have something that’s mine.”

“You can pay rent if you want.”

“No, Phil. I can’t live here afterward,” Dan says reverently. “I can’t live here with her and know that she isn’t mine. We’ve got to separate ourselves. I have to move on.”

“I think she should know you,” Phil says quickly. “Like an open adoption. You’re the reason why she exists. You know her better than anyone else.”

Dan lays on the bed, stroking her belly as she often does. “Her love of Chinese food does not constitute my right to be in her life,” Dan quips.

“What about my decision to make sure that you are. I am her mother but you can be her aunt or godmother. Dan, you’re welcome here.”

Of course, Dan starts crying. She says it’s the pregnancy hormones but she knows that’s a lie. This is the first time in her life that she’s felt wanted. Childhood consisted of growing up in homes with far too many children or none at all, being shuffled around from family member to family member. ‘Welcome’ is a sacred word.

“Okay,” Dan sniffles. “I’ll stay.”

—-

Phil holds her hand. Phil wipes her forehead and gives her ice. Phil always understands when Dan cries out in pain and curses. It’s who Phil cuts the umbilical cord. Phil even kisses Dan on the cheek and says, “Well done.”

—-

Lilian Rose Lester is beloved as any newborn should be. Her cries never go unheeded with two mothers constantly hovering over her.

She’s ebony crowned like her mother and blue eyed just the same. Her father’s features were similar as well, ensuring that she would share the same features with her mother.

Before they know it, Lily six months old and Phil is back at work. Dan stays home, of course. They fall into routines like watching their favorite shows during dinner and falling asleep on the sofa. Dan cooks dinner and Phil raves about it for the rest of the evening. Phil reads Lily a book before bedtime and Dan sings her a song.

When Christmas approaches, Dan manages to find a limited edition signed poster from Phil’s favorite singer from some obscure band no one knows about. Phil, on the other hand, takes a picture of Dan when she’s snuggled up with Lily and has it framed with the word, “Family” scrawled across the top.

When Lily is two years old, Dan adopts her. When Lily is four years old, her mothers are married in a small ceremony, composed of mostly supportive friends. Phil’s parents do attend and Lily is the flower girl, of course.

The money that Phil paid Dan goes into a trust fund for Lily… and her little brother.

And on a calm September afternoon, Dan wraps her arms around Phil’s waist and kisses her cheek, relishing in her laughter, sweet and lyrical, and the warmth of her body.

And maybe, she thinks, these were the arms she’d always yearned for in the days past. She’s found balance at last.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr  
> [danni-howell](https://danni-howell.tumblr.com/)


End file.
